The Impossible Class - First Polawalk

Some pictures of me and the kids in action taken by Will with his iPhone are over on the Tumblr!

List no. 11 :: Travel dreams.

1. Dallas and/or Los Angeles for a Polawalk.
2. New York City and The Impossible Project.
3. Spain. Always dreaming of returning to Spain.
4. The Northwest road trip. Drive to Seattle to Portland and then down the coast to San Francisco and then San Diego.
5. Joshua Tree and The Harmony Motel in 29 Palms.
6. The Salton Sea and Palm Springs.
7. National Parks in Utah.
8. New Orleans. Because I have never been there.
9. England. So I can meet all my lovely Twitter friends who live in there.
10. Pittsburgh. Always Pittsburgh.
11. And honestly, right now I would take a night at the local Motel 6 so I could sleep through the wee hours of the morning without any disruptions caused by the cats.

Impossible Class update.

A short update + some pics from the kids over on the Tumblr.

***

[Polaroid SLR680SE + PX680 Color Shade film, Holden edition]

List no. 10 :: The week.

1. It got cold again which is fairly normal for this time of year, but it's never much fun.
2. Both cats are doing well.  Rocky is acting as normal as ever these days. 
3. I love having Impossible Class. I started looking forward to the next one right after the first one. 
4. Other than the class, I don't have a whole lot going on which makes me feel guilty at times.
5. But I also really enjoy reading in the afternoon and having time to catch up on scanning photos.
6. Still reading the Harry Potter series. I know what happens in all of them yet I still can't put them down once I get started.
7. It amuses us to call the cats "Rocky Potter" and "Simon Potter" with a British accent.
8. We're obviously amused far too easily.
9. Although it was not such an amusing week outside of our own quiet house. I chose to be aware of the happenings but not spend my days absorbed in the repetitive news.
10. I need to come up with some better list ideas.

The Impossible Class

[Polaroid SX-70 Model 2 + PX70 Cool film]

I'm teaching a class on Impossible film at a private school for the next six weeks. First class was yesterday. Read more about it over on my Tumblr where I'll be posting updates about the class and hopefully some of the kids' work. So much fun!

List no. 9 :: Dreaming of...

1. oceans and palm trees
2. early morning runs on the beach
3. listening to the waves hit the shore
4. seagulls squawking
5. watching the sunset while drinking cocktails on a patio
6. road trips to the desert
7. miles and miles of nothing but blue sky and stunning landscapes
8. pulling over on the side of the road to take pictures 
9. feeling free, nowhere to be and nothing to worry about

Lone.

[Polaroid Spectra + Polaroid Spectra Image film, expired 09/08]

Will was kind enough to be my model for the latest Words To Shoot By.

Rocky.

I've been avoiding writing this particular post. In part, I suppose, because sometimes one needs time to process things privately. But I believe the bigger reason is that I don't want what I am going to write about to be true.

The short version:

Three weeks ago, we found out that Rocky has a mass in his stomach. A tumor. We don't know what kind of tumor, but nonetheless, it is a tumor. At the time, it measured 6 centimeters. Which sounds awfully big to me. Too big to be in my sweet kitty's belly. Hell, too big to be in anyone's belly.

And I am already crying again.

As most of you know, Rocky means the world to me. He has been my best friend for 14 years and I cannot imagine life without him. He is my light and my joy. He is my cuddle bunny, my puppy, my sweets, my Rockster and my Rock Star. And we are so very devastated by this turn of events. I knew he would die eventually, just like I know I will die eventually. But the reality of hearing "a mass in his stomach" is just something else entirely. Life has not been the same since we found out.

We do not know how much time he has since we don't know the exact nature of the tumor, but when I asked the vet if we should be thinking weeks or months, she said, "Probably not months."

We are doing the best we can, but it has been a rough time for all of us. We are so grateful that we have this time with him and we are going to enjoy it as much as we possibly can. And make sure that he is comfortable and gets to do all of his favorite things as often as possible. And I pray, I pray that he doesn't suffer. That he doesn't have to go through too much discomfort and pain. That we will know when it is time to say good-bye.

The longer version:

Rocky had x-rays, an ultrasound and blood work done. The ultrasound led the vet to believe that the tumor is attached to the spleen. And she saw a lot of "free fluid" in there which basically means that he is having internal fluid loss. (Or something like that.) We could not have a biopsy done because she was worried that poking around the spleen, the bloodiest of organs, could cause him to bleed out. Our only other option is exploratory surgery and we decided that we do not want to put Rocky through such trauma. He is 14-years old and has a heart murmur so we could lose him during surgery. And they could cut him open and find him full of cancer and that wouldn't be much better. We feel that there is no reason to make him miserable. To be cut open. To have to recover from a major surgery when he is already on his way to death. We feel that the best thing for him is to be happy and comfortable for as long as he can. Enjoy his last days sunning in the backyard and rolling in the dirt, not recovering from surgery.

So we don't really know. We don't know if the tumor is cancer or not. Or what's really going on in there. But we know that whatever it is, it is not good. The blood work indicated that he is "clinically stable" for now.

We monitor him so much now, I am sure it drives him crazy. It drives us a little crazy. Wondering what every little thing means. Cats are champs at hiding pain so we have to stay aware of his behavior. And so far, it's pretty normal. So normal that some days, it's hard to believe that there is anything wrong with him.

But in the past week, he's had a few days of throwing up and stomach discomfort. This past Sunday, he looked so miserable, we worried all day long. But I called the vet yesterday and she said to give him PepcidAC twice a day. We gave him one in the afternoon, and boy, it made a huge difference. He perked up and he ate a little bit more. And today, he's acting pretty normal again. He's back to his regular food portions for the most part. And he's hanging out more again. We are so relieved.

I don't know what I am going to do without him. Thankfully, for today, he is still here with us.

List no. 8 :: Things that make me happy. Right now.

1. Spring finally seems to have arrived with warmer temperatures and budding trees.
2. Two happy and napping kitties.
3. My husband. My wonderful husband.
4. Not falling down that black hole.
5. Daily (mostly) emails with my friend Sheryl.
6. Options. There are always options.
7. Rereading Harry Potter books for the millionth time because I need a bit of magic in my life.
8. The prospect of shooting instant film with Will later today.
9. The love that can be found on Twitter from folks that I've never even met face to face.

That look on his face.

[Polaroid SLR680SE + PX680 Color Protection film]

List no. 7 :: Whatever

1. The temperatures and the birds singing make it feel like spring is here, but there are very few signs of green or blossoming trees. That part makes me sad.
2. I love that the birds are so entertaining for the cats. They can't catch them, but they love watching them. And watching them makes the cats have "fast head." Yep. Love it.
3. Saying to me that "it was meant to be" or "it's God's will" or "these things just happen" does not bring me comfort. Might be true, but still, not comforting.
4. Could everybody just stop going on about being mindful? That word is so overused right now and for some reason it annoys the hell out of me.
5. Most everything that I want to write, I am not ready to write here.
6. Or it is an angry statement that may or may not involve the word "fuck" and I probably should just keep it to myself.
7. I'm tired of being disappointed which probably means I need to reassess my expectations.
8. It's hard not to think there is something wrong with me because I keep failing miserably at so many things.
9. But in my heart of hearts, I believe that I am a good person. I am kind. And considerate.
10. And maybe I already have all that I need in my life.
11. At least for now.
12. I am well aware that I am not a good writer. It does not mean that I do not write from the heart.
13. Rejection hurts. Period.
14. It's okay to be sad. Even though being around someone who is sad seems to make most people uncomfortable.
15. I really wish that people would just be honest. I am so tired of people saying things that they don't mean or don't plan on doing anyway.
16. I am also aware that I kind of suck at this list thing, but I don't care. I'm still going to do it.
17. I can tell you that I am very much looking forward to seeing two of my nieces on Friday.
18. As for today, I am glad to be feeling the most normal that I have felt in a week. It's such a relief.

Sometimes I get mad at myself.

[Polaroid Automatic 250 + Fuji FP-3000B film]

Taken the same day as "sometimes I made myself crazy."

List no. 6 :: 6 things

[Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 SE + PX70 Color Shade BAPE CAMO]

1. Really digging this BAPE film.
2. This is an instant shot of a digital shot so I'm not even sure what to call it.
3. Go ahead and roll your eyes.
4. Ended up taking a whole bunch of instant shots of digital shots on my computer. Go figure. A precursor to fun with the Instant Lab?
5. Looking forward to the days of fresh cut zinnias from the yard.
6. Assuming that I am even able to grow anything this year after a total lack of moisture all winter.

NYC :: Day Three

Our third morning was just about the same as the previous two mornings: tea, coffee, bagels. The only solid plans for the day were to return to The Impossible Project Space to meet Anne and to (hopefully) get together with some old friends in the evening. In all honestly, as much as we were enjoying the big city, we were also ready to head back home.

Since being in the city, we had either walked or taken a cab everywhere we went. But on this day, we decided it would be best to take the subway downtown. We walked over to Madison Square Garden and of course could not find the right entrance. (This was rather frustrating for both of us since we used to take the subways everywhere.) We ended up walking around the little park for awhile, watching the squirrels and looking up at all the buildings.

We finally made it to the right entrance and headed down to catch a train. Almost immediately, we saw some dude lick his MetroCard before using it which totally grossed us out. Next, a giant rat went scuttling down the tracks. Ah, New York. And to think that we both used to take the subway to and from work daily. We weren't anxious about being down there, but I don't think either of wanted to touch anything at that point. No matter, we survived the ride and made it back to The Impossible Project Space and finally got to meet Anne, aka polaroidgirl, aka the most fabulous person in the world. This trip to NYC would not have been complete if we had not gotten to meet her.

We hung out there for awhile and then headed back up to Chelsea. I think we ended up getting off the train at Union Square and sort of wandered west and up for awhile until we hit a Vietnamese restaurant, Omai, that the gallery folks had recommended to us the previous day. Best decision ever. The food was so good. We started out with the crispy spring rolls which were perhaps the best that we have ever had. I don't remember what Will had, but I had the Pho which was pretty incredible as well. We wandered around a bit more after lunch and then totally lamed out and went back to the apartment. We were tired and waiting to hear from friends and it just seemed like the best plan at that point.

That evening we still didn't have a solid plan with our friends so decided just to head down to the East Village and have a drink while we waited for a call. Of course we got down there and totally blanked on bars. We were just about to go into one place when our friend called. We were standing on a corner and as he and Will talked, they determined that the friend was walking straight toward us. Talk about good luck and timing. So we ended up heading back to his place to hang out for the evening. He and his wife recently had a baby and we were thrilled to be able to meet her. It was a mellow evening of friends, pizza and beer. Perfect for our last night.

For a shorter version of our trip and some of my Impossible film shots, check out my Analog Travelog on the Impossible Blog.

[All photos in this post were shot with an iPhone4 + Instagram.]

List no. 5 :: Things that Rocky eats that are not food.

1. Plastic
2. Tape
3. Styrofoam
4. Ribbon
5. Dustballs
6. Stuffing from the chair

NYC :: Day Two

Another leisurely morning at the apartment with bagels from Murray's, this time with bacon, egg and cheese. Oh my god, so damn good.

We had a pretty loose plan for the day, mainly consisting of checking out some galleries around Chelsea and walking the rest of the High Line. If time allowed, we figured we would head up to midtown or Central Park and wander around.

When Will moved to NYC in 2001, he started working at the Gagosian Gallery on W. 24th Street so we headed there first. I can't even remember what show was up at the time, but we figured we'd check it out and see if any of the folks from our days in NYC were still there. As it turned out, two of Will's closest co-workers and the friend that he hooked up with his job when he left were still around. So instead of looking at art, we ended up talking to them for a long time. It was nice to catch up and hear some art gossip, including what really happened in that area during Sandy. (I never heard anything about Chelsea and the art galleries in all the news we watched so it was kind of a surprise, though not a surprise that we didn't hear about it. If that makes sense.)

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ Color Protection film]

Will spent a lot of time at the Gagosian, working and hanging out during art openings. Oftentimes, after I left work in midtown, I would meet him at the gallery and wait for him to finish up. As a result, I spent a fair share of my time there as well. It was particularly nice to see exhibits when there was no one else around as well as inside access to some of the back rooms that weren't so open to the general public. And that's where I went during the black out in 2003. I think Will and I had cell phones by then,  but I recall not being able to reach him so when we got let out of work, I walked from midtown to Chelsea. Then, after meeting another friend, we all walked back to Brooklyn.

Anyway, I am going off on tangents here. Suffice to say that being at the Gagosian brought back a lot of memories. The stories that Will can tell about that place. It's pretty crazy.

By the time we left there, we were getting hungry, but before finding a place to eat, we walked along the High Line until we reached the end. It was a gorgeous, sunny day so there were lots of people out. And lots of good light for instant film photos.

[Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 SE + PX70 Color Protection film]

We had asked the gallery folks for some restaurant recommendations and ended up at The Chop Shop. It was good, and really, it was just nice to have decent Asian food. There are places here in Santa Fe that people rave about, but Will and I have been underwhelmed by most of them. (Picky much?) After lunch, it was already late in the afternoon and we were feeling worn out, so rather than dragging ourselves uptown, we headed back to the apartment for a nap. (I know! We're boring! But we vacation in a way that we both enjoy so it works.)

As luck would have, the Impossible Project NYC Space's holiday party was that evening so our plan was to go there and meet up with some of our New York friends. We also thought we might get to surprise another friend who was doing a reading in the East Village, but that didn't work out. So instead, we headed to Fanelli's Cafe again and had a quick beer at the bar before hitting the holiday party. (Yeah, we really ended up liking that place.)

The Impossible party was a good time. It was nice to see some of the folks that work there again, plus I got to meet one or two friends from Twitter. My friend Brad had said he might stop by and I kind of thought he wouldn't make it so I was delighted when he showed up. One of my favorite parts of our time there was being able to hang out with him. (We hadn't seen him since 2004 or so.) And it really meant a lot to me that he made the time to stop by and see my photos in the exhibit.

[Spectra Photo Booth + PZ680 film]

More of our friends showed up and it was a lovely time. We chatted and took photos in the Spectra photo booth. It was really hard for me not to geek out about cameras and film and all things Impossible. Twice I found myself showing a friend all the different films (the American Woods had just come out) and explaining the different types of cameras. And, "Ooh, look! This is the large format film." I would have no problem being a salesperson for the Impossible Project.

Eventually it was time to leave and we all needed dinner so we ended up at The Lucky Strike, mostly due to its close proximity. I can't even remember what I ate there. I do remember being horrified at the cost of beer though. I know it's NYC and all, but 7 or 8 bucks for a BOTTLE of crappy beer...come on. I think I might have had a burger. Or a chicken sandwich. Not such a memorable meal, but we were definitely in good company.

[Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 SE + PX100 UV+ Silver Shade test film]

Eating dinner after nine o'clock? So not the norm for us, but in New York, it seemed totally normally and the only way to actually have dinner with other people. Santa Fe is pretty cosmopolitan for its size, but most of the nicer restaurants are closing down by nine o'clock. Life moves at an entirely different speed here. It is the "Land of Mañana" after all.

For more of my Impossible photos from our trip, check out my Analog Travelog on the Impossible Blog.

NYC :: The First Day

It seems sort of ridiculous to write about our trip so long after the fact, but it's something I've been meaning to do since we got back, so I'm going to do it. (For a shorter version and more instant film shots, please check out my Analog Travelog over on the Impossible Blog.)

We only had three full days there, but nonetheless, we had decided to relax and go with the flow rather than try to be out and about from morning until night. Of course I was dying to go visit The Impossible Project, but since they don't open at the crack of dawn, we decided to have a leisurely morning. I made a cup of tea while Will went out for his coffee and bagels from Murray's.

I was so happy to have one of these in front of me again. There just is no such thing as a "real" bagel here in Santa Fe. Revisiting this picture just makes me want to be there again.

So we noshed on our bagels and then got ready to head out. Before we hit the streets, I wanted to check out the rooftop garden so we took the elevator to the "penthouse" floor which was really just a cover for the 13th floor as there was no penthouse. The views did not disappoint and I took a photo of one of the water towers, the first water tower photo of many from our trip.

[Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 SE + PX70 Color Protection film]

The weather was pretty nice while we were there. We had to bundle up a bit, but it wasn't all that cold which made it slightly easier to shoot instant film. From our apartment, we headed over to Madison Square Park and the Flatiron Building. The city didn't feel quite so overwhelming as it did the night before. I was just so excited; I could hardly believe that we were there, walking around, and that later in the day, I would finally be able to see The Impossible Project NYC Space in person.

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ600 UV+ Silver Shade film (03/11 batch]

We also made a quick stop at the Ace Hotel. We stayed at the one in Palm Springs a few years ago and really enjoyed it, plus there was a small showing of Impossible photos in their gallery that I wanted to see. And, of course, the photo booth.

Next, we headed down to Union Square, then over to Fifth Avenue and Washington Square Park.

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ600 UV+ Silver Shade film (03/11 batch]

I went to NYU for the first two years of college and lived right on the park so being back there always brings back a flood of memories. We hung out there for a bit and the headed down to Houston Street and over to Broadway. It felt good to be walking around and it made both Will and I very nostalgic about our time in NYC.

And then, finally, we were at The Impossible Project NYC Space. A dream come true for me.

They're on the 5th Floor, but I didn't want to take the Hellevator, as it is so fondly called, so we took the stairs. I think I sprinted up all five flights.

And then we were there. And it was pretty damn awesome. It was so great to meet people that I know from Twitter and/or Instagram. And, of course, it was amazing to be able to see two of my photos hanging on the wall as part of the "Out of the Blue" exhibit.

We hung out there for awhile and then left to find some place to have lunch. We ended up at Fanelli's Cafe on Prince Street. It's a cozy spot and I had a damn good BLT with french fries.

[Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 SE + PX70 Color Protection film]

We wandered around Soho for awhile to check out some shops, but I really didn't have the energy - or the funds - to do any serious shopping. I did enjoy our stop at the Converse shop and could not resist buying a t-shirt there. That was my only NY purchase besides film and other goodies at The Impossible Project.

We wandered back up to Washington Square Park and then over to the West Village, because it's an area that I know well. At this point, we had been walking around for HOURS and we were feeling pretty exhausted. But we kept walking, heading up and over, up and over, until we hit the High Line and walked back to Chelsea. It was time for a rest before heading out to meet a friend of mine from my NYU days.

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ680 Color Protection film]

After I left NYU, I went back to New York to visit my friend, Brad, pretty regularly for the next 15 years or so. He's lived in the West Village since he moved out of the NYU dorms so when we discovered the Cowgirl Bar in 1992 or so, it became a regular spot for us. Later, when Will and I lived in NYC, it became a place we frequented as well, mostly when we wanted margaritas and nachos. (There's one in Santa Fe as well, but they are not related and we don't like the one here all that much although it is a very popular spot with most locals and tourists.) So that's where we met up with Brad. Just like old times. Brad and I were both flabbergasted when we realized that we had been meeting up there for  the past 20 years. Talk about feeling old. Twenty years!

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ680 Color Protection film]

We had a great time catching up with him and consuming a plate of nachos all too quickly. Eventually we headed back to his place since we had never been to his current apartment.

Another beer and then it was time to head back up to Chelsea. But first, we all need some more food in our bellies so Brad took us to have late-night pizza. We could not have had a more awesome day.

Tulips on the table.

[Polaroid SX-70 Model 2 + PX70 Color Shade film (12/11 batch)]

List no. 4 :: Cars I've had.

1. Red Chevy Luv truck (c. 1985) 
2. Light Blue Chevy Luv truck w/ a long bed (c. 1986)
3. Dark Green Volvo sedan, four doors, don't recall the model (1990-1993)
4. White VW Golf, four doors (1993-2006)
5. "Phantom Gray" Toyota Matrix (2006 - present)

First three vehicles were all used; fourth was a college graduation present and the best car ever; fifth isn't so bad either.