Thursday, February 4

It's been a tough week.

I guess it's just the time of year and all the gray days that we've had lately, but let me tell you, I have been feeling so blue and depressed. It's...well, it's depressing. I don't particularly like feeling so heavy and hopeless. I know it will pass, it always does. But right now it is just hard.

I thought that the whole getting the shop done thing would make me feel like a million bucks. It's been hanging over my head for so long. I've been saying, "I'm going to get an Etsy shop up" for a good year or so. So to finally get it done was quite the personal accomplishment. Of course there are always the berating voices. Why didn't I do this a year ago? Or at least last fall? Why am I so bad at taking risks? I try not to listen them too much, but this week they have been the loudest voices around. And you don't even want to know what they are saying. I mean, I don't have a job and I am almost 40 and I don't even know what I want to do besides knit. So yeah, you can imagine what the voices are saying.

Anyway, the whole shop thing kind just sent me in a bigger downward spiral. My expectations about it were way too high so when I made my big announcement and then nothing happened it was really disheartening. I don't know what I thought. I guess that I would have a sale or two and that some friends would mention the shop here and there and it just didn't really happen that way. And I felt like somebody had broken my heart into a million little pieces.

That said, I did get a few nice notes from people, a mention over at dangerousmeta (Thanks Garret!) and positive comments from my family. And I am grateful for those kind words.

Yesterday I spent the day knitting (and wondering if I should even bother at this point) and thinking about what I can do to get over this mess. And get on with my life. And well, that's what I have to do. Just get on with it. Keep moving forward, working at this thing I love and maybe also figure out what else I can do. (That's a tough one for me.) Because part of me feels like this is a sign that I am not going in the right direction. I don't know. I'm too old to be this clueless.

As for the shop, I'm not giving up on it. I realized that I shouldn't have had any expectations at all. Not about the shop and not about people. Ventures like this take time and I am sure eventually I'll sell a few things and all the time and effort will suddenly feel like it was totally worth it. I like what I do and I don't need to give up just because things didn't go as I hoped. I watched a movie about Coco Chanel yesterday (not the latest one, this one) and it made me feel better. Not to say that I am anything like Coco, but it was the right kind of movie for me to watch. She didn't give up after a few failures. She just kept doing what she loved and worked hard to make herself into what she wanted to be. Nothing is impossible.

February. I think February is always hard.

And today, well today I don't feel much better and it's still gray outside. But I'm just going to keep going. I'll run and eat and water my plants and finish the bag I am knitting and eat dinner and read and go to bed. And who knows, maybe tomorrow I will feel great!

Thanks for letting me share.

[After I wrote this, I made my tea. The little saying on the tea tag said, "May your inner self be secure and happy." Made me laugh.]

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