Tuesday, February 26

Sometimes I make myself crazy.

[Polaroid Automatic 250 + Fuji FP-3000B film]

Oh yes, I do. I took this photo back in November of last year when I was struggling with a lot of anxiety about a variety of things, though namely it had to do with flying for the first time in many years. A week or so before we were supposed to leave, Will got sick, then I got sick and we ended up postponing our trip for a month. It was the right decision, but it was stressful and I questioned myself a lot. Plus I am the one in charge with making and changing reservations and all that fun stuff so I had to deal with all of that as well. And my head turned into a worry machine. "What if..." a million different things and it was a constant barrage of thoughts. The same thoughts. Over and over and over. OCD thinking is what it is and it sucks. 

I know, you might be thinking, "Well, just stop thinking about whatever it is. Let go. Move on." Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. At least not for me.

Sometimes taking self-portraits helps me deal with emotions or thoughts, because taking pictures is something that I love to do so it distracts me even when I am trying to express what is bothering me through the photo. I have to think about the shot and the light and I suppose, in a way, it turns me into an observer for awhile.

So, on this particular day, I had had it UP TO HERE with myself and so I set up the camera and took pictures. This one is multiple exposures, three, I think. I sat down, posed, took the shot. Tried to sit down in the same place, posed, took the shot. And so on. And when I peeled it apart, I found it to be a really great depiction of how crazy I was feeling. Wanting the noise in my head to just stop already. 

After a pack of film and many self-portraits, I actually did feel better. Sometimes camera therapy is the best therapy.

(And for the record, I am totally not that skinny. It just looks that way because it is multiple exposures and my body overlaps itself in such a way that it makes me look way tinier than I actually am.)


  1. This is a great photo! I can certainly relate to the emotion it. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. *hugs*

  2. Camera therapy. I totally know what you are talking about.

  3. fantastic - and a perfect outlet for stress. photography, self-portraits. writing about it too.


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