Knitting, felting and sleeping.

The knitting and felting is going well. The sleeping, not so much. I used to write about sleeping a lot, or rather, not sleeping. And then I stopped. For one, I imagine it's not that interesting and for two, it didn't seem to be such an issue anymore. Not that I was sleeping through the night regularly, but it definitely had gotten better. I still had bad nights, sometimes a few in a row, but it was okay. More often than not, I slept decently and I felt good. And I wasn't obsessed with the problem. It felt so nice to feel kind of normal again. And it felt super nice to have hope again. Hope that maybe I would be a good sleeper one day. And because I felted more rested, hope about everything. I felt inspired, creative and open to new possibilities. A nice change from the heaviness that a lack of sleep brings.

And then.

A few weeks ago, I actually slept through the night, a rare occurrence. And I was so chipper that morning, I said to Will, "It's almost annoying how chipper I am after a good night of sleep."

I haven't slept through the night since then.

At first, I could tolerate the exhaustion, but last week was rough. That's how it always goes. I'm okay for awhile and then it just builds up and builds up and I start to feel worse and worse. Fortunately it doesn't affect my work as far as getting it done. I work at home and I can knit when I am tired. But it does affect my work in the sense that I no longer feel so inspired or creative. The ideas stop flowing because the space in my head is taken up by thinking about sleep. Whether or not I will sleep that night. Why I don't sleep. Why I haven't slept well for so many years. How tired I am from not sleeping. How all I want to do is sleep. Wondering how I can be so so so very tired and not sleep properly. Let me tell you, it pretty much kills the hope. And that upsets me a lot. I've never been the most positive person in the world and lately, I had been feeling so damn good, it was awesome.

And I really don't know why I can't sleep properly. I generally fall asleep easily but then wake up throughout the night. And I've tried so many things...I even have sleeping pills that I was prescribed a few years ago after I didn't sleep for five nights in a row. I was so desperate this past week that I tried them again and guess what? Don't work. Still don't sleep through the night. I mean, what the hell? When this cycle goes on and on, I seriously start feeling punished, I suppose that's my Catholic upbringing showing.

I realize I sound like a broken record. I've said all this before and I still don't have an answer. And I know you don't either. I really wish I never would have to write about this again. I am not a particularly good writer so I am guessing I am not really describing the feelings all that well, but it's just so disheartening to me. It's not a few months of bad sleep. It's not because I am sick or this or that. It just is. And so I have no idea how to fix it. Trying to fix it gets exhausting too.

Anyway, this post has gotten away from me. Last night I slept the best I have in four nights, but I still didn't sleep through the night. 1:46 AM. Awake. I fell back asleep, but it's just not the same as having uninterrupted sleep. It's not like I am asking to win the lottery or to live forever or something. All I want to do is sleep through the night on a somewhat regular basis. And I want to feel alive again. Being excessively tired all the time seriously affects quality of life. I really don't want life to pass me by while I am sitting around being tired.