Monday, May 17

Knitting, felting and sleeping.

The knitting and felting is going well. The sleeping, not so much. I used to write about sleeping a lot, or rather, not sleeping. And then I stopped. For one, I imagine it's not that interesting and for two, it didn't seem to be such an issue anymore. Not that I was sleeping through the night regularly, but it definitely had gotten better. I still had bad nights, sometimes a few in a row, but it was okay. More often than not, I slept decently and I felt good. And I wasn't obsessed with the problem. It felt so nice to feel kind of normal again. And it felt super nice to have hope again. Hope that maybe I would be a good sleeper one day. And because I felted more rested, hope about everything. I felt inspired, creative and open to new possibilities. A nice change from the heaviness that a lack of sleep brings.

And then.

A few weeks ago, I actually slept through the night, a rare occurrence. And I was so chipper that morning, I said to Will, "It's almost annoying how chipper I am after a good night of sleep."

I haven't slept through the night since then.

At first, I could tolerate the exhaustion, but last week was rough. That's how it always goes. I'm okay for awhile and then it just builds up and builds up and I start to feel worse and worse. Fortunately it doesn't affect my work as far as getting it done. I work at home and I can knit when I am tired. But it does affect my work in the sense that I no longer feel so inspired or creative. The ideas stop flowing because the space in my head is taken up by thinking about sleep. Whether or not I will sleep that night. Why I don't sleep. Why I haven't slept well for so many years. How tired I am from not sleeping. How all I want to do is sleep. Wondering how I can be so so so very tired and not sleep properly. Let me tell you, it pretty much kills the hope. And that upsets me a lot. I've never been the most positive person in the world and lately, I had been feeling so damn good, it was awesome.

And I really don't know why I can't sleep properly. I generally fall asleep easily but then wake up throughout the night. And I've tried so many things...I even have sleeping pills that I was prescribed a few years ago after I didn't sleep for five nights in a row. I was so desperate this past week that I tried them again and guess what? Don't work. Still don't sleep through the night. I mean, what the hell? When this cycle goes on and on, I seriously start feeling punished, I suppose that's my Catholic upbringing showing.

I realize I sound like a broken record. I've said all this before and I still don't have an answer. And I know you don't either. I really wish I never would have to write about this again. I am not a particularly good writer so I am guessing I am not really describing the feelings all that well, but it's just so disheartening to me. It's not a few months of bad sleep. It's not because I am sick or this or that. It just is. And so I have no idea how to fix it. Trying to fix it gets exhausting too.

Anyway, this post has gotten away from me. Last night I slept the best I have in four nights, but I still didn't sleep through the night. 1:46 AM. Awake. I fell back asleep, but it's just not the same as having uninterrupted sleep. It's not like I am asking to win the lottery or to live forever or something. All I want to do is sleep through the night on a somewhat regular basis. And I want to feel alive again. Being excessively tired all the time seriously affects quality of life. I really don't want life to pass me by while I am sitting around being tired.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous5:39 PM

    Hey Juli,

    I "know you" from Flickr, and found your blog not too long ago when I started up my own.

    I hear you on the sleep frustrations. I have difficulty falling asleep, and know it no other way. I marvel at people who know what restful sleep is. It seems like such a novelty to me!

    Anyway, I just want to say
    1) sometimes it is necessary to rant about these things (more than once), and
    2) despite your sleep troubles, you manage to create beautiful art through knitting/felting and photography. Your pieces have a lovely energy about them (even if you don't always feel energized yourself). I am continually impressed.


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