Saturday, April 11

The sleep thing.

I think I mentioned that my sleep problem has sort of returned full force again. Last week I was super down in the dumps, partially from getting inadequate sleep. This week my mood totally turned around and I've been feeling cheery and optimistic about things to come. But I still haven't been sleeping well. I didn't bottom out like I usually do, I pushed through the exhaustion for a couple of days because I had so much to do. But yesterday it hit me hard. I didn't fall into depression or turn into a grouch monster, but I was so tired, I could hardly think straight. It's just not fun feeling that way.

So I decided that I would finally try taking a sleeping pill. I don't know why I have had such a mental block about sleeping pills. I guess taking pills just doesn't appeal to me all that much. Plus I know that sleeping pills are not a long-term solution and could even cause me to sleep even more poorly. And I had this somewhat irrational fear that I would be one of those people who experiences the side effect of doing things in the middle of night and not remembering. But I was finally tired enough of being so damn tired, I decided that if a little pill would let me sleep through the night, it might be a good thing. I envisioned taking the pill and waking up at 6:00 AM feeling totally refreshed.

That's not quite what happened. Naturally. I mean, why would I ever get to sleep through an entire night? I took half a pill at 10:15 and went to bed. Sleep. And aoake in the middle of the night with no clue about the actual time. I woke up and thought, "f**k, it's probably midnight and even taking a damn sleeping pill isn't going to help me, and in fact, maybe it's making it worse." I got up to go to the bathroom and was totally relieved to see that it was actually 4:00 AM. Not the hoped for 8 hours of sleep, but a definite improvement. My body felt heavy and weird as I walked. I was still really tired too so I went back to bed. Dozed off here and there but didn't get anymore solid sleep. Felt incredibly groggy this morning, like I was going to fall over. (That's worn off now.) And since I got 6 hours of sleep without interruption, I do feel better today.

So what does this mean? I don't know. That I'm not terrified of the sleeping pills anymore. That maybe when I've had 3 or 4 bad nights in a row, I'll take one. Maybe I'll even try taking a whole one. But again, not a long-term solution. The pills aren't really supposed to be taken every single night as that can cause your body to forget how to sleep naturally. Maybe I'll get lucky and taking a pill every once in awhile will remind my body how to sleep.

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