Tuesday, September 1

P.S. Today is not my birthday.

(So this is a pre-birthday birthday post.)

1. 30, 2. 31, 3. 32, 4. 33, 5. 34, 6. 35, 7. 36, 8. 37, 9. 38

[Created with fds flickr toys.]

When I turned 30, I wanted to have my dream rock show, and basically, I did. I wanted Oneida and a Dead at 24 reunion and that's what I got. And CC spinning tunes. And one of the best things ever, Sheryl, Kate and Fat Bobby getting up on stage and singing Little Red Corvette for me. Later, Fat Bobby and I played jacks on my kitchen floor.

[Another dream rock show, the JBB at my wedding reception. It happened. I was thrilled. Sadly I've already been told that the dream rock show for my 40th birthday is never going to happen because the JBB is done. Forever. Fortunately they live on forever in my iTunes.]

A small party for age 31 and Sheryl made Tres Leches cake for me! I keep asking Will to make one for me to no avail.

Another small party for age 32, this time in New York City at Lakeside Lounge. I was head over heels in love. (And I got a nice pola of Jami's boobs.)

Age 33, Will gave me a Lomo LC-A camera and we went to the Bronx Zoo. Good times.

I couldn't find a single photo for my 34th birthday. Checked out my old archives though and found that Will gave me a Polaroid ProPack and we went to see Oneida that night.

I neglected to look up what we did when I turned 35. We were in Pittsburgh.

We went to Dana's PhD party for my 36th birthday. Working Poor at the park and then karaoke in Swissvale later that evening. I remember getting Ben Brain to sing something for me and now I can't even remember what it was. Iron Maiden? Billy Squier?

By my 37th birthday, we were here in Santa Fe and I wanted to go hiking for my birthday. So a-hiking we went with my dad and Katrina.

And last year, I worked on my birthday, but we had a superb sushi dinner at Shoko Cafe. Oh, and I got a new stove.

As for this year, well, that remains to be seen.

I know this post is rather indulgent. I like birthdays. I like other people's birthdays, I like my birthday. I have no idea why. Will could give a shit about his birthday. Another day, another year older, yadda yadda. But it always makes me think a bit, reflect on birthdays gone by and I don't know, some years I probably don't like what I see, others I do. This year I have no complaints. The drama quotient in my life has gone down significantly so it's not like I look back on the year and get blown away. What I see is very slow progress toward achieving the kind of life that I want to live. Working outside the 40-hour work week. Doing something I love. Actually acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, I am a creative person. For someone who has, unfortunately, had self-esteem and confidence problems for the greater part of her life, these very small steps feel very huge to me. And sure, I wish I was younger and making these steps. That I had more time. But I'm not and it's okay and there is always time. It is never too late. (Or so I hope!) I suppose the main thing that remains a monkey on my back is the insomnia and the anxiety. Both things oftentimes keep me from living life to the fullest and it is incredibly frustrating. But I have hope. Slowly progress is made in those departments as well. I am who I am and I deal with it the best that I can. I wish I didn't have anxiety problems, but I do and I miss out on things, but at some point I also have to stop beating myself up about it. I also wish I was a better photographerknitterwifedaughtersisterfriendcookgardner. I wish making friends came easy to me, online and off. I wish I wish and I wish and then I stop and it's okay. I haven't given up on changing, no way, never, but picking on myself isn't going to help. So mostly, at almost forty, I am pretty okay with who I am. And for me, that's saying a lot.


  1. oh man, i have to say i got pretty excited for a sec when i thought it was your birthday. i can totally relate, to everything (well, almost), even down to the insomnia. anyway, great post! and when your birthday comes, happy birthday!

  2. well i am sorry to hear that you can relate to insomnia!! not fun.

    and, for the record, my birthday is tomorrow!

    thanks for the comment. :)

  3. boy have I had some flirty times on your birthday! :)
    your birthday present from me will be about a week late (as always) but I am SO EXCITED to be able to deliver it in person!

  4. hee. as it should be!

    And we are so excited to see you! One week!!

  5. Looking at the photos I realized that I've known you, via the internet and in person, for about eight years. Wow.

    Happy birthday, Juli. Keep on working towards what you want to do. If I can do it I have no doubt that you can, too. You're never to old.



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