Six weeks later.

[Emulsion Lift - PX680 Color Protection film]

 It was six weeks ago yesterday that we found out that Rocky has a tumor. It's hard to believe that so much time has gone by so quickly.

And that nothing has really changed. Which is a good thing, of course, but it also leaves us feeling confused much of the time. Because it's easy to get lulled into thinking that they must have made a mistake, that he's not really sick.

But unfortunately, no matter how normal he seems, we can still tell that he is a little bit off. Whether it's because he throws up sometimes or because he looks so uncomfortable at times. And he still takes Pepcid AC twice a day which he probably wouldn't have to do if he didn't have the tumor.

He still likes to go outside. He has an appetite although he doesn't eat as much as he used to. He continues to hang out with us and seems to enjoy being around us. He hangs out in the kitchen every time we make a meal, waiting for treats. He doesn't seem particularly lethargic.

[Polaroid Spectra + PZ680 Color Protection film]

And we are so grateful that he seems to be doing so well in spite of his diagnosis. He has been a little grumpier than usual, but that could be due to his outdoor restrictions. And he's lost weight. I've been weighing him every week and he had been holding steady at 11.2 pounds, but this week he weighed in at 10.4 pounds. That's a lot to lose in a week. So then I worry that I'm not feeding him enough.

(We can't leave his food down all of the time so he can snack at will because Simon eats it instead and now Simon has gained weight. Constant cat monitoring, that's what we do.)

It's been tough too though. Some days he looks absolutely miserable and we don't really know if it's because he's experiencing pain or because he's depressed about not being able to go on his regular outside adventures. Maybe it's a little of both. We just don't know.

He definitely gets depressed about his outdoor restrictions and it makes us feel so bad. He is allowed in the backyard since we can close the gate and he can't get out. And we've been allowing him out front but only when one of us can keep an eye on him. The minute he starts heading down the driveway, we have to lure him back inside by giving him a treat. We can just see in his eyes how badly he wants to take a walk around his usual neighborhood spots. Spots that we know and that aren't very far from us. And he most certainly does not like us following him around in the front yard. But we don't know what else to do. Sometimes I am tempted to let him go do his thing, but I know if something happened - if he got in a cat fight and the tumor ruptured or if he collapsed away from home - I would feel so awful. So guilty. So as much as he hates his restrictions, I think it is the responsible thing to do. At least he isn't completely housebound.

The outdoor monitoring can be taxing on us as well. Sometimes I have things to do, but I'll end up outside so he can get his front yard wanderings in. It can be stressful, but then again, some days it's a nice excuse to sit on the porch and read a book.

The early awakenings are wearing us out as well. He's been getting up at 5:00am. Not totally unusual, but now I have to get up and feed him whereas before I just ignored him or let him outside. But since he doesn't eat as much as he used to, I basically feed him whenever he wants food. He just eats a little bit at a time instead of gorging himself. (Which is much healthier, I am sure, but new for him.) And we have to give him his pills on schedule twice day. So one of us has to be up before 7:00am for his morning pill and we have to be around in the evening for his second pill. Not a huge deal, but it does make it difficult to go out for dinner (we tend to eat early so normall would be out at 6:00 or so) or to make evening social plans. Or vacation plans. We're going to miss my niece's college graduation because we don't really have a catsitter and even if we did, I don't think I really trust anyone to cater to his every need like I do.

I know I sound like I am complaining, but I'm not. I don't mind doing any of it, I am just saying that it is tough sometimes. (And frustrating. And tiring.) But we love him and we'll do whatever we need to do to keep him eating and not vomiting and enjoying his life.

We're doing the best that we can.