Well, okay.

[Polaroid SLR680SE + PX680 Color Protection film, Pigeonhole edition]

This shot is my favorite of all the shots I took with the Pigeonhole edition film. It's the late afternoon view from the back of my parents' house.

After feeling quite calm for most of the past week, this morning I got up and almost immediately felt fear in the pit of my stomach. My heart is pounding and it feels like my blood is racing. Hello anxiety!

I guess there's a part of me that hopes I can get through this travel thing without feeling this way, but based on this morning, I don't know if that's going to happen. There is a little voice in my head that is saying: "Don't go! You're going to freak out! Just cancel the whole thing! Who cares?!"

And it's true, probably nobody would care. Except me. I think I would feel pretty lame. And embarrassed. Not to mention it wouldn't be very fair to my husband. (Although I suppose he could just go without me!)

Besides, I am always going to have this fear if I don't try to work through it. And eventually it might become a limiting thing. There are a lot of places we can't go unless we fly. I've manage to do other things that I was afraid to do, but they seem like such little things compared to this. And it's so weird really, I mean, I have no clue why this flying anxiety even started. When I was younger, I loved to fly. And then after awhile, I didn't love it so much, but it also wasn't such a huge deal. It was sometime in my early to mid-30's that this started. And as far as I can recall, nothing actually happened to make it start. The last two times that we flew places, I was nervous, but I survived. So there's no concrete reason for me to think that I won't survive this time as well.

But man, it's uncomfortable feeling this way. And I don't like feeling this way. But this is how I feel right now and I need to just feel it, I guess. Fighting it won't help.

Today I just need to breathe and get through it. Today I am not getting on an airplane. I am home and I am safe and it's okay to feel afraid and to let my body feel afraid. I don't need to judge myself for it. And I have to remember that in order to grow, we often have to push through fears and feel uncomfortable. I have to ask myself, "Do I really wanted to be grounded for the rest of my life?" And that answer is no.